Never Phone Home

By TAD BARTIMUS

Here's my learned-it-the-hard-way vacation checklist:

-- Leave all toilet seats up for the cat that got locked in the house.

-- Don't ask the teen-ager next door to mow your lawn; if you do, don't pay in advance; if you do, don't leave behind the keys to your house or extra car; if you do, don't watch CNN Headline News.

-- Don't ask the teen-ager next door to feed your dog; if you do, make sure it can live off its own body fat.

-- Don't take the recommendation for a house sitter who's the "very reliable" daughter of a friend of a friend of your sister-in-law; if you do, make sure you are heavily insured.

-- Don't leave a message on your answering machine informing callers that you're in the Poconos for three weeks, with a postscript that the plumber can get to the broken faucet via the back door you left unlocked for his convenience.

-- Leave your computer at home to avoid Internet headlines such as AOL's recent "Killer Asteroids to Hit Earth; Rare Collision Could Kill Over a Billion People; Know Your Risks."

-- Leave your handheld wireless at home to avoid office messages such as, "Immediately eliminate 50 percent of previous fiscal 2004 budget and terminate 10 subordinates ASAP."

-- Count heads before leaving rest stops.

-- Every time someone asks, "Are we there yet?" answer "Soon."

-- Every time someone asks, "How long before we get there?" answer "15 minutes."

-- Avoid lodging described as "rustic," "quaint," "cute" or "charming"; definitely steer clear of "renovated goose barn."

-- Avoid cafes called "Mom's" and restaurants with flashing neon signs that tout "home cooking."

-- Don't buy purple or orange carbonated drinks for children. Ever.

-- Don't take your mother-in-law and your dog on vacation at the same time; if you must, sit in back with the dog.

-- Don't say to the ranger at the entrance to Yellowstone National Park, "I have two hours to see this park, where do I begin?" She will direct you to the parking lot.

-- Don't ask your wife/child/mother-in-law/dog to "step back a little" to get a better photo of them at the edge of the Grand Canyon.

-- When a family member says, "I have to use the bathroom," do not reply, "Hold it until we get across Utah."

-- When the 16-year-old desk clerk at the Atlasta Motel in Podunk, N.M., says to you, at midnight, "I can't find your reservation," tell him, "That's OK, we'll just go home with you."

-- Never stay in a motel without a pool; if the Atlasta Motel does not have one, go to Kmart, buy a plastic wading pool, a bicycle pump and a roof rack. Trust me on this.

-- Pay whatever the tow-truck driver charges.

-- Do not lie to the highway patrolman in Little America, Wyo. -- he's heard it all before.

-- Stop so that your wife can read all the roadside monuments, or else she might suddenly forget how to wash clothes for a family of four in the bathroom sink, fix a four-course meal in a microwave oven, and refuse to count license plates with the kids all the way across Kansas.

-- Don't read newspapers; no matter what Alan Greenspan does, you can't recoup your Yahoo! losses.

-- Don't watch television; Bill O'Reilly and George Stephanopoulos can do without your armchair commentary for two weeks.

-- Don't listen to the radio; you can't understand Madonna's lyrics anyway.

-- Let your kids ride the pony.

-- Never phone home.

© 2003 The Women Syndicate

Send your own great stories – 300 words or less – to friends@tadbartimus.com or write c/o The Women Syndicate, P.O. Box 728, Puunene, Hawaii 96784. Thanks for sharin

© 2003 The Women Syndicate. The content on these pages is the property of The Women Syndicate and may not be used without express written permission. Contact friends@tadbartimus.com