Happily Ever After

By TAD BARTIMUS

Four years ago, on Valentine's Day, I spent an hour on the phone commiserating with a faraway friend whose husband of 20 years had left her for another woman.
My friend Ellen, then 50, had just been feted by her presumably devoted spouse, who toasted her by saying, "the best is yet to come." 

"Maybe his best is," my friend mourned, "but I'm not so sure about mine."

When her husband walked out, my friend lost not only her self-confidence, but 60 percent of her income. She sold her house, downsized, and tried not to panic. She wondered aloud if she would ever laugh again, adding, "That's it for marriage. I'll never find anybody else."

Last week she called to ask, "What are you doing on Valentine's Day?"

"I don't know, why?"

"Because I'm getting married!"

Professional counseling, unwavering love from her family (and some of his), a great boss, an open mind and a positive attitude pulled my friend through her crisis. On her own, she has blossomed into "the person I really am instead of the person I thought I had to be."

Just a week after that happy news, I heard from Jan, another distant friend, also in her 50s, whose husband had died eight years ago, leaving her not just with grief, but also with a tangled business. After years of legal hassles and mourning, Jan has emerged from Bob's big shadow to take renewed pleasure in music, art and her new house in a different town. Bob's partner in work as well as in life, she's become an interior designer on her own.

"Are you going to be around right after Valentine's Day?" she asked when I answered the phone. 

"I don't know, why?"

"Because I'm getting married and we're coming to see you on our honeymoon!"

Ellen, Jan and I came of age on the cusp of the feminist movement. Unlike our mothers, we do not have to be defined by our spouses. Which is why so many of us were outraged when a 1986 study contended a woman over 40 had less than a 1 percent chance of getting married, as if that study forever doomed those of us unmarried at 41 to a life of misery. Although that statistic later was debunked, it has become a modern myth that never goes away, like the idea that escaped alligators lurk in big-city sewers. 
The hit movie "Sleepless in Seattle" features that myth prominently in one scene.

"You know," says the character Keith, "there are a lot of desperate women out there lookin' for love."

"Especially over a certain age," chimes in the character Wyatt.

"You know it's easier to be killed by a terrorist," adds Keith, "than it is to get married over the age of 40?"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT STATISTIC IS NOT TRUE!" retorts the character Annie.

"That's right," adds her boss, Becky, "it's not true. But it feels true."

It certainly isn't true for my two friends, nor for millions of other women.

After many tears, and with a lot of grit, Ellen and Jan have transformed themselves from middle-aged women in an established relationship with stable men they thought would last forever, into independent, self-reliant women so comfortable with themselves they have no need of a mate.
My friends are happy because they've worked hard to make themselves that way. They didn't sit around waiting to be rescued. They didn't surrender themselves to illusions or bitterness. They grieved privately, but also got professional guidance to understand what had happened. They reached out to others for ballast, but they also learned to be alone. They got to know themselves.
They also woke up every morning, squared their shoulders, and went to work. They forced themselves out of their comfort zone, made new friends, tried new activities, exercised their bodies as well as their minds, and opened up to possibilities.

They also did not launch themselves on a desperate search for a new mate. They faced their own lives, and lived them.

So why take another chance on matrimony? Each woman says her fiance was initially attracted to her independence. Each woman waited at least a year before setting a wedding date, carefully vetting her beau with friends and family. Each made it clear she plans to keep working at a job she loves. Said Ellen: "I'll never lose my identity in a relationship again."

There's nothing in this world like love, so Ellen and Jan once again are making a commitment based on hope. This time around, they also bring wisdom and experience to their new unions.

On this Valentine's Day, no matter what our connubial status, may we all live happily ever after.

© 2002 The Women Syndicate

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