Make a List, Check It Twice

By TAD BARTIMUS

The wind is blowing a gale, I've got a quilt over my knees and a hundred dead trees are piled up around my chair. Welcome to catalog season.

I'm passive-aggressive about these wish books of every hue and design. "What a waste of paper," I mutter, standing beside the Post Office trash can making "keep" and "toss" piles. Trouble is, I can't resist thumbing through them on their way to File 13. "That tablecloth matches Mary's dishes;" "Kim would look great in those earrings;" "This picture frame is perfect for Scott's little girl." My hand pauses: the "keep" pile has 21, the "toss" pile four.

Tonight, as I turn pages bursting with glitter and excess, I am a potential consumer on a par with Rockefellers, Madonna and the Sultan of Brunei.

"Hmmm. I'll just take a few home for a quick look-see." By early December we're living like spelunkers in stalagmite heaven. Reckoning comes the night before trash day. I happily settle in for an evening of window shopping in my bathrobe, a ritual that's become as much a part of the holidays as tree trimming and turkey basting.

I can hear all the tut-tutters now; well, lighten up. I know the true spirit of Christmas and Chanukah is not found in material possessions, but rather in love and peace toward one another. That's why looking at catalogs is like eating candied yams without guilt; you can fantasize about all the presents you'd buy if you won the lottery or got lucky in Vegas, but it doesn't cost you a cent. Tomorrow I'm my same old crafts-making, penny-pinching sensible self. Tonight, as I turn pages bursting with glitter and excess, I am a potential consumer on a par with Rockefellers, Madonna and the Sultan of Brunei.

Oh my, that "cuff bracelet in platinum with pave diamonds" ($18,000) from Tiffany certainly is nice. I'll take two of those coin-operated Swiss Railway Station music boxes that play 72 notes in three tunes by Tchaikovsky (Liliput, $5,895 apiece). Four of the 3.4 ounce bottles of Williams-Sonomas "Aceto Balsamico Tradizionale de Modena Extravecchio" vinegar, please ($159 each).

That battery-powered replica of a Mercedes 500 SL for children ages 3-5 years old ($399.95) from Hammacher Schlemmer is a bit much. Ditto the leather-covered 18th century reproduction of an English library pole ladder ($1,850, Eximious of London), wouldn't want to look ostentatious. I like Sundances Beaux Arts torchiere ($210) but it's Robert Redford's picture I keep coming back to.

As usual, I save the Neiman-Marcus catalog for last (a holdover from the '80s). Will it be the 4-foot-tall St. Nicholas ($3,350)? Too big. The black cotton purse with "18-karat gold-plated poodle clasp" ($1,200)? Too small. The white mink coat with lynx collar and cuffs ($15,000)? Very bad karma. The completely edible white and dark chocolate box filled with cheesecake, truffles and macadamia nuts ($165)? Oh dear.

No. None of the above. Instead, I'll order plaid mens slippers from Eddie Bauer ($34); a tool belt from Duluth Trading Co. ($19.99); four cheese spreader knives (The Paragon, $10); 300 baseball cards ("includes 100 soft sleeves," Lillian Vernon, $19.98); chocolate fudge, caramel turtles and toffee from Fudgeworks of Estes Park ($11), and The Three Tenors Paris video (PBS, $29.98).

But I'll also splurge on luscious pears from Harry & David ($24.95), one share of a goat from the Heifer Project International ($10) and a wee book for $9.95 called "Keeping Life Simple" (Nordstrom). I'm sure it has lots of tips on how to make do with what I've got.

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